


i ain't happy

by whitenoise17



Category: Gorillaz
Genre: Gen, Gorillaz Tour, Phase One (Gorillaz)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 17:57:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11086911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitenoise17/pseuds/whitenoise17
Summary: Noodle's experiences on the band's first American tour aren't exactly what she wanted. She just wants to get better, but she doesn't know how.





	i ain't happy

**Author's Note:**

> I was reading Rise of the Ogre and this happened, so yeah. Enjoy! Also, sorry if the dialogue at the beginning is a little weird, I still haven't 100% nailed down their speech.

“I’m just… I’m jus’ worried about her.”

 

“I’m sure she’s fine, Murdoc. She’s not even a teenager, you think she wants to deal with the kind of people you and 2D have in here all the time? She can’t do the partying thing and it’s everywhere here. She’s probably just lonely.”

 

“Lonely?! We’re all here; why doesn’t she fuckin’ talk to us then?”

 

“We’re all on the bus, yeah, but it’s not like we have time to focus on her with all the other crazy shit. I mean, you’d know better than anyone, what with all the partying and the satanic shit… Don’t think that’s not bothering her, either. It can’t be healthy for such a young kid to deal with all those demons.”

 

“Shut _up_ , Russ! Honestly. That doesn’t explain the nightmares she has, see? I can hear her talking at night. You’re sleeping, so I wouldn’t expect _you_ ’d understand, but I’ve been up. She talks about demons and shit a little, yeah, but I think she’s on about more than just them. I mean, ‘Dents isn’t that upset about them and he’s a fuckin’ pansy, alright? I’m telling you, there’s something else wrong, and if you’d just let me _talk_ to her-“

 

“Murdoc, you are the least qualified person to talk to her even if she did want to talk, and I’m fairly sure she doesn’t. Besides, whatever she’s thinking, I’m not sure she can say it in English. So let’s just give her some space, okay?”

 

“…Fine.”

 

They left the bunk room, Russel closing the door gently behind them. She was glad, sort of, that she was alone again, but she half wished they would have talked to her. Russel was right that she couldn’t say it, and she didn’t think she would, or could, tell them even if she spoke perfect English. How would she explain this without making herself sound like a confused little girl who couldn’t even remember where she came from?

 

It was hard to even think about clearly. It would be easier, she thought, if there _were_ some sort of demons haunting her, or if the partying was actually what bothered her. Well, it did, because she could never fully relax in her own space for fear she’d walk onto the bus and a clown would be napping in her bunk again, or one of Murdoc or 2D’s girls would either try to talk to her like she was a baby or insult her and belittle her for seemingly no reason. But it’d be easier if that was all that was wrong, because then she could just tell the boys to stop, and hopefully they’d listen.

 

But she couldn’t fix this, and they couldn’t either. She didn’t even really know what _this_ was. She wanted to remember her past, sure, but that wasn’t all. It was like she was scared of something on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t figure out what it was. There was something at the back of her mind, something that startled her whenever the crows back at Kong cawed at night and made her stay in her bunk for days, weeks even, to avoid the only three people she knew and all the craziness they brought with them. She didn’t know what to do about it or how to tell them about what she was feeling, and she didn’t have the words. So here she was, lying in bed at 2pm as they drove down a highway in America, wearing the same shirt she’d had on for three shows, staring at a blank wall and desperately trying not to think.

 

She kept doing things that surprised her, things she didn’t really want to do. Last night, she woke up after even Murdoc had passed out and poured herself a glass of whatever he’d been drinking. None of the assorted hangers-on had noticed or cared, and she sort of wished they had. She tried so hard to make herself practically invisible, but all she wanted was for someone to see her. They didn’t, though, so she drank it down, her throat burning and her eyes watering (for more than one reason). She didn’t know why, either. Maybe to see what it tasted like. Maybe to feel something. Maybe just because she could.

 

She thought that maybe leaving the band would help. If she just had space, and time, and no one to worry about her, maybe she could figure this out. Maybe. So after the tour, she’d tell them. It’d be hard to see the look on 2D’s face when she left him with only Russel to protect him from Murdoc, hard to see Russel let her go and lose the person he held himself together for, hard to watch Murdoc lose yet another person and blame himself for it again, but she felt she had to go. Hopefully it would help, and hopefully eventually she could return.

 

But right now that was only a dream she had as she slipped into a hazy sleep, still facing the wall. Right now, she was still hopeless.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and please comment if you enjoyed!


End file.
